May 2, 2017

I feel like I had been afraid for so long and so trapped in that fear, that I had given up on actually living. Sure, I would wake up, get the kids dressed, take them to school, go to work and go through all the other daily motions, but I was NOT living… I was barely existing. For years I thought, “It’s something with me, something I’m not doing right! It’ll be better if I do, this or that. I’ll change that part of me, then, then it will be better.” That was not the answer and I now realize that it never is the answer. What benefit did I have in killing off parts of myself? I was coasting through my own life, autopilot had been setup to make sure happiness was present in everyone else… but me. I sat on the sidelines of my life staring through windows that continually grew foggier and foggier and all but hid what was happening to me. Then, a rock was thrown through those windows, shattering the obstruction and allowing me to see back into my life and you know what, it feels good to be living again. I really had forgotten what it meant to live! To be happy and to enjoy that happiness, not to just make sure that others are happy, but to actually experience happiness again… it’s been a long time and it’s great to be back! I’m no longer willing to be passive in my own life and I am joyfully accepting happiness in every way that it comes. I think that this, right now, is what life used to feel like, or maybe just what life is supposed to feel like and I saw it from the wrong perspective. There is no part of you that is worth killing off for another person! I sat in sadness for a while and my insides kept saying, “Stop! Life is still here, it’s still happening and you need to be out in it enjoying it!” It felt like a small child tugging at my pants leg, looking up at me with longing eyes and a gentle smile, “Come live.” Finally, I stopped being sad, stopped being inside myself and took the little child’s hand and began to walk, with each step I grew. I grew into myself, the real me, not the husk that was autonomously going through the motions, the me that I am intended to be. I am alive and I will not waste another moment being someone else, no part of me is so broken or battered that I cannot rise up and live. I am happy now, truly happy, somehow in a happiness that I never thought I deserved, or was even possible. When you live life just trying to make sure everyone else is happy, you never stop and find any happiness for yourself, at least that was my problem… I can’t do that anymore, this is not just an “I won’t do that anymore” but literally I Can’t do that anymore, I have no desire or will to just float through life, skirting around happiness and watching others be in it. I’m here, life and happiness are as well and I’m gonna cherish every last moment.

– Christian Sanders


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